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I don't even know where to begin. It's a fabulous feat that I've broken from myself and became published. I'm happy for that. Ever since that day, I've lost myself and don't know where I begin nor end. I feel lonelier than ever as I connect with fellow writers on the web, which only reminds me how isolated I am from them here in real life.
I've seen and heard too many stories where traditional publishers neglect their poor authors to a point that I've struggled against whether to submit any more of my work to them. But I don't belong to the self-published realm, either. I am stuck in the middle, with no direction but for the whispery voices in my head.
I wonder where I'll end up a few months, years from now and can only hope that as I plow onward in this this crazy storm-tossed ocean, I will rediscover myself.
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I wonder how common or uncommon this is for a published author to lose his or herself like this? This is more how I feel:
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I've become lost within my self that I no longer feel capable of blogging. I have magic speaking to me to write, but I haven't dared to write a single word, though I have over 5 unborn books vying for my attention. In spite of these smothering emotions, I can't help but feel as a brewing storm waiting to break my torrents into the world when it is time. Crazy, isn't it?
For now, I must find where I belong without ripping apart my other good wing.
Have you been truly inspired to live a dream, but feel lost when you're there?
Oh yes! I think this is where most published authors find themselves more often than not. I'm in the same dark ocean now myself. So, just know you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to get lost when you've achieved something - that seems perverse and backwards, but it's true. What now? What if it wasn't what you expected? This is why the only real grounding is in the work itself (at least for me).
ReplyDeleteDitto here - except I'm not there at the moment. I've lived there long enough over the years to own real estate, but fwiw, it does get better. Sounds like what you need to do is get to the root of what is making you feel cut off. For me, as I've blogged about extensively, it was not feeling like I had any connection with fans or control of sales. I just wrote stuff and it appeared in print and some money would come in and that was that. So for me, putting together a publicity platform helped me find fulfilment, but it'll be different for everyone. For you, perhaps it'd help to join a writer's group or attend more conferences, or who knows what?
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, Elizabeth! Remember what a blessing it is to be able to write at all. It's a privilege that could be snatched from you at any time by health problems, financial problems, family problems, any number of things. Even author depression. And yes, I've heard that once you're published you never feel like you've got it made. You've done it once, but can you do it again? Every author knows that the next book could be a spectacular failure that sinks the whole career.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try something new. Write an article for a magazine you like, or a short story. Interview a relative and write their life history. Something to keep the prose factory running. And one morning you'll wake up with an idea in your head that won't let you rest until it's written.
Thank you for the inspiration, Rebecca, you're a great friend! *hugs*
DeleteElizabeth, I'm sorry. I've heard it can be rough on the other side. I'm sure it takes time to figure everything out and find a balance, especially with a family life. Best wishes and hang in there! We're pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteJonene, thank you. :D
DeleteI'm so sorry you are going through this right now Elizabeth but I totally understand. I think that whenever something major in our life happens (achieve a dream, lose someone, end a relationship, move, etc) it changes everything and we have to re-invent ourselves a little. Sometimes it takes a while to do that and to figure out who we are going to be. It's harder when you have a few things working against you but you'll get there. In the meantime know that you are surrounded by people who understand!
ReplyDeleteIt means a lot to me that you understand how I feel, thank you. I love that you said that it's harder when there are things working against me. Oh, how true this is. :)
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